I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
