I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
