I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize