"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
