Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
