I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
