I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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