i wish starbucks made bloody marys
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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