her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
