she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
