ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize