She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
