I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
