y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
