The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
