I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
