I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
this just has baby written all over it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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