His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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