Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
