I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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