I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
