Where are you?
In a non slutty way
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize