im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
