I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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