I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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