So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize