If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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