Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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