just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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