the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
