you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
