There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
