I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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