I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
