Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
