I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Walk of Shame today included voting.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
