Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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