Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
