i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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