If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize