instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
