By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
