She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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