Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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