ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
