I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
