I'm gonna have a badass scar
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
