A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
