Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
