dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
