I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
