He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
