I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
