i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
