I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
