He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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