Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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