so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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