I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
