Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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