If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
