I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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