My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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