I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize